Half Past A Freckle: 2010

Well hello there! I have no idea if anyone is reading this, and that is OK I guess. I just needed a space to just be me. To share photos of my children, stories of my day & what exactly is on my mind... If I can even figure that out that is. I have a 365 day blog that is completed for my daughter & am in the process of one for my son. Let me tell you a little about myself.

I am 34 years young. Everyday I have to pinch myself to remind myself that yes, this is indeed me. I am a grown up, even though I still feel like a child a lot of the time. Or maybe a teenager. I can't believe I am 34 years old! Seriously.

I am right where I want to be. I am married to a wonderful man & I am a SAHM (Stay at home mom). From Chad's first marriage I have a stepson, Brenden, who will be 11 years old in August. Together Chad & I have 3 children. Our daughter Kensington will be 3 in August & our baby boy Dell just turned 6 months old! In between Kensington & Dell we had a son Clarence who died in my womb when I was 20 weeks pregnant. We found out he died on Thanksgiving Day 2008 & the next day I gave birth to him. He was perfect & amazing & I am so proud of him. I know that he is looking down on us all & watching his siblings grow.

My family has been through many hardships the last 9 months & it has shook me & whatever faith I had to the core. In September of last year my husband was laid off of work. What a wonderful phone call to receive when you are 7 months pregnant! Work was hard to come by and it wasn't until March that he found something. He accepted a new job ( a consulting job so not even permanent!) the day my mom died. How is that for timing?

My mom's death was untimely. She was only 59, 2 months shy of her 60th birthday. Without boring you with all the details (we will save that for another post) she had struggled with alcoholism for the better part of 20 years. Her alcoholism went into overdrive after a horrific car accident left her wheelchair bound for quiet some time and unable to work. She was a nurse, a WONDERFUL nurse, who truly loved the special needs adults that she cared for. I believe this was the beginning of the end for her as she sat @ home, secluded, feeling without a purpose. Eventually she was able to go back to work, but had immense amounts of pain because the accident had left one of her legs significantly shorter than the other. Fast forward 5 years & she was no longer a "functioning" alcoholic. She turned to vodka. Apparently the problem was way worse than I realised. On a Tuesday in March, after being sick for the past few weeks & refusing to seek a doctors care or follow through with ordered blood work to check her liver, she was found collapsed & barely responsive on her bedroom floor. Upon admission to the ER it was found her kidneys were shutting down, her liver was cirrhosed, and she was septic. It was thought that once treated with antibiotics that her kidney function might begin to resume & this would once again be another "warning" of her impending doom if she did not get her alcoholism under control. Hopefully her last. Unfortunately that was not the case. As the days progressed her kidney function declined significantly as well as her liver. Her body had no defenses left to fight off the infection & it was causing all her organs to fail. She died March 23rd.

And yes. That was the short, "I'll spare you all the details" version. As hard as that was I needed to get it out here so that in the future I can talk further about my mother. That is one of the many reasons I want this space... away from people I know IRL. To say whatever I feel, whenever I feel it. As you can imagine, my heart is shattered with her death. We had a complicated relationship. It is so hard to begin to pick up the pieces when I feel so much regret & remorse for the past. I am mourning a mother/daughter relationship that we never had. One that I desperately wanted but just couldn't make happen. One I suspect she wanted too. I look @ my daughter now & it scares me to death to think that her & I will one day not be close. That is my worst fear as a mother. I want so much for us to have a good, healthy relationship.

That is all I can manage for now. If you are out there I thank you for reading. I really do. Please feel free to let me know and leave a comment. Even if you don't know what to say. Anything will be enough. Thanks!

Oh, and I forgot to add.... My husband worked for 2 months before he was "no longer needed" & we are once again without a household income, struggling to get by. When will it end....?